Unedited Draft

It is hard to grasp 'Life', for what it's worth. As much as I like to see humans, as  a species , with a low value of self-preservation, I know that the thing that makes us what we are is wonderful. We have feelings. Feelings which we have developed to fit into this flow of constant progress. Ones life, is a storm of content, information, and desire. A cauldron of greed, disappointment, and ascendancy. And when we die, it all dies with us. Our endless curiosity, drives us through hell and back, to damnation and redemption, just to fade away on a hospital bed, in the heat of battle, or under the wheels of a speeding truck.

Time

What do you think you have in this life?
Money? Friends? Love?
They all come and go. All can be obtained, lost, and re obtained. But the most amazing thing you have, is the thing you give in exchange for every single joy in life. That thing, is 'Time'.
That same time, you spend at work, in exchange for money. The time you put in those who are close to you, to share your life and joy with. The same time you invest, in a total stranger, in hope of finding friendship and love.
But it's also, the same time we spend, holding guns and grudges against each other. The time we spend judging and tagging each other.
It's the time of our lives. We don't know how long it is, and we know it can't be fun all the time.
But time, is truly, the most precious gift in the world. And we all stand before the question - What is a 'waste of time', and what is a 'time well spent'?
I don't have the answer, but I never regret the time I've spent with those who I love. And, although, I have spent that time, it feels wonderful, and nothing could take that away.

...go.

Lost In Words/ Vitaly bogdanov

Boys are boys
Girls are complicated
and you are special
But everyone is special
And therefore
you are special, because you are the only normal person

But words like "Special" and "Complicated", are just words. No more then a couple of words, made-up by us. So...
Who am I?
Who are we?
Who am I, to them?
What are they, to us?

What do I want?
What do I need?

I  need to complicate myself, for you to untwine my enigma. While I want for it all to be simple.
I need to stay far, tho I want to be close
I need you to be me, but I want you to be different
I need to be special, but want to see myself as normal
I am a stalker, that wants to be noticed
I am God himself, tho shy in powers
I am a monk of material value

I am many more, deleted, unthought and regrettable lines.
I'm a shadow of myself
Twisting and turning, around all surfaces, shapes and sizes.
And will misplace, split, and stretch myself
With any change of the light.
I feel the urge to return to my origins, and sleep under a sky of stars.
I don't want to be alone; I am afraid.
I am a coward
I am a boy, a complicated one, in fact!
I have father issues,
Mother issues
I have more issues then all Spider-man comics, combined
I'm a theoretical fact
and all, by no more, than a hypothesis
I am a paradox
 just like you
Like we all are

We all want love, but need pain

But here we are
The same, but different
With 'needs' and 'wants'
To be addressed
The rhymes still flow
Yet cold and bitter
With fingers crossed
To pass the test

I despise, and love myself at the same time
And so do you
All we truly thrive to is each other
To find in each other the parts that we lack
To form a better self

And every day you breathe, you are a part of a bigger thing,
Be it with a friend or a foe, you still shape the world around you, to some extend. And you get lost in words; just like now!
And it's all because you forget that those are just words, and could never describe who you are, or what... These are just words, and words... they are never the answer.

Imagine

"You are not who you think you are.
You are not who people think you are.
You are who you think people think you are."
I quote a man, whom name I can't recall.

But I do recall sitting in that Rock Bar. I came there alone, to listen to music, and have a couple of drinks. Meeting new people was just a nice added bonus to the package. And of all the "unusually" dressed people in the bar, there was one guy who "didn't fit in". He was dressed casually, and projected over-confidence, in a way. Not the type of a man on cocaine, but in a way that hides shyness... In a way I know best.
He was there with two friends, a guy and a girl, they were clearly a couple. Maybe he came with them just spontaneously,to drink a beer and have a chat, but he wasn't there for the loud music. He was new to Rock Bars. He was so nervous, so afraid of this new environment. Afraid of these "men in black", who as far as he knows from movies and media, are violent and aggressive. But all that happened inside. From the outside, he was big, strong, and very loud.
His behavior was funny, and silly in a way. I couldn't take my eyes of that phenomenon. After, a few quick glances, I understood that his fear and defence mechanism, tells him that I'm hostile, and he should deal with my hostility. Let's just say that I wasn't surprised when he stood up from his chair, with his trusty pint of beer in hand, walked around the bar, and asked me if I have a problem with him. which, of course, I didn't. I looked him in the eyes, gave him a warm smile, and answered: "No, not at all. Cheers!"
Short after our pints clashed in a friendly sound, he returned to his sit, somewhat relieved and confused at the same time. Of course, I wouldn't know that, if I Haven't kept staring at the poor guy. Which led to the next situation taking place about 15 minutes afterwards:
He stands up again, with his 60cc whisky/bourbon +Ice in hand, and this time, he walks to me with a slightly bent back, and shy puppy eyes, and asks me if I will be offended if he asked me a personal question. I answered that I have nothing to hide, and he can ask whatever he wants. And he asks - 'Are you buy any chance attracted to men?', and I answered - 'Not that I know of it. Cheers again!'.
He smiled, and asked me to forgive his rudeness, which I stated, was none of, and he walked away.

Two times, in a span of an hour, for a strange man, I was who I imagined he thought I am. And that is amazing!

It's a fact that our brain can barely process any information, while seeing another man's face. Our brain is trying to figure out what does this man in-front of us feels, thinks, experience. You are lucky if that man is not looking at you back. Caus' if he does, he is probably doing the same to you. And this is where it get's tricky. Imagine that.
Now imagine, all the people you see (with or without mutual interaction), and furthermore, all those people who see you.
Every each and one of us, is living in a small world of personal guesses and assumptions. Every one of us is living in a different world. And if you really think about it, it's the mystery and uncertainty in all, that makes our lives, that makes us so amazing.

You don't have to imagine, you already do.

Deprivation

To some extend, we all believe that each and every one of us, is deprived of something. Why? Simply because our world is so full of options and diversity, we think we can have it all. We know we can't, but deep inside, we know we "need".
I think that this is one of the main reasons, humans seek the company of each other. Because everyone of us is "deprived" of something different. One may lack self-confidence, self-control, self-esteem, or self value. Or even simpler things, like material funds, sleep, or a sufficient taste in art. But in the end, we all come looking for each other on smoke breaks at work, bars, and even grocery-store lines.
But of course, if one claims to be deprived of a thing he thinks is rightfully he's, he probably must possess, at least, a thing or to to compensate. Say, a man who believes he has a small penis, is more likely to buy a "Hammer" SUV. A man with low self-confidence, will try to compensate with a strong sense of humor. While the man with high self-confidence, won't have one. So... what reasons brings us together? I see two:

1. Fear
People with the fear of those, who have these things they lack. They seek-out other people, with the same issues as them, for support. This, of course, makes their opinions towards those who are "not deprived" more radical, and they small, well bonded, hostile extremist groups.

2. Faith
As much as I have none of it on words, I think I operate by it, to some extend. And not only me.
This group of people, seeks those who have what they, themselves, are "deprived" of. Why? In faith that the other side will share their possessed advantages, while exposing their flaws, for a fair exchange of interaction (Some thing like "Show me yours, I'll show you mine", thing). There is a higher chance of getting hurt, but there is no exposure without risk. If it goes good, on the other side, you come out of in a more round and balanced person.
It's nice to be one, for a change.

So, the more perfect you show yourself to be, the less people will want your company. Group 1, will just fear you. Group 2, wouldn't want to open-up, because, you won't.

Perfection, has it's flaws. But flaws, lead to perfection.

Punishments

Punishments... What is a punishment, anyway? Is it the pain, the suffering, or maybe the regret, that you are expected to go through when going against another man's rights? Is it catharsis of some sort? I think not.
It is some sort of a public "back whip lashing", you need to accept to please those, who think that you have done something they didn't like. It's a "raise moral" thing, actually. And it has "God", written all over it.
Punishment, is a word that always goes, hand in hand, with God. But picture this:
"You, are spending a nice evening with your family, at home. And suddenly, a man, armed with a gun, breaks through the door, and shoots one of your loved ones. He tries to shoot you, but the gun gets jammed, and he panics. A few seconds later, runs in a young cop, that have heard the gunshot. The armed man, swiftly turns to the cop, with his gun aimed at him, but the cop shoots him."
So, what do we have?
A man, went against the rights of all present, but the cop, and himself. Did the punishment fit the crime? No. It haven't brought your loved-one back to life, nor healed the mental scars of your family and the shocked cop's. So, basically, a lot of people paid a price, for another man's bad decision. That's not fair.
And you know what? No matter how many laws we pass, to punish those who do wrong, we will never fix nothing. You can ban guns in your country, but a man who is willing to take the risk of murder, will also make it easier on himself, and get a gun. and this is a hard truth accept.
And this is where God comes in, and calms you down, with a big white smile. And he softly says: "I did it". It's easier to take it this way, because god is perfect, and he makes no mistakes.
But then again, imagine an 8 year old kid, who lives with his father and his 12 year old sister, because his mother died of an overdose of heroine, when he was 4 years old. He has an abusive father, who one day "snaps" under the pressure, takes a gun, shoots his son in the leg, rapes his daughter, beats her up with a baseball bat, and shoots himself in the head. By the time both kids are found, the wounds get worse, and the doctors, have to amputate the kid's leg, and his sister, will be institutionalized for the rest of her days (but she kills herself, when she hits 20). Does this kid deserved any of this? This time, he has no possible reason to blame himself. For what? He was 8 years old, for Gods sake! What has he done wrong? Is God "testing" him? If he does, what is so special about this kid? Why don't we all get "tested" the same way? and most importantly -

...what is there to say to that kid?

Hypochondria

I'm sick. I'm sick of a generation that grew-up on mouse clicks, quick channel changing on the TV set. I'm sick and tired, of a generation that can only precept information in short bursts, flashes, and a short recorded laughter, after an even shorter "pun" joke.
I know that, for me, to get along in modern society, I need to trend myself. I been taught that I need to deliver the "punch", and it should be strong, as it should be quick and precisive. But for some reason, I chose to be a man that can not be described by a, somewhat maybe, clever game of words, followed by a strong air-horn noise, that turns to confetti, clapping and laughter. I don't see myself as a sitcom joke. Neither I want to be friends with people that do.
It hurts to type these words, it really does. And it hurts even more, that most likely, no-one will probably read this to the end. But it hurts the most, that I know no-one to even listen to these words.
Everybody is running around, busy summarizing their lives to short and "meaningful" phrases. Summarizing themselves, into small verbal pills. And when they see that the content is too large to be shrunk this small, they invent a pill most suited for their taste, and try to live up to that, by emptying and decreasing their own value.
Those who are not smart enough to make-up a pill of their own, will borrow it from media given sources. Sources like "Reality TV", like Sitcoms, like a Hollywoodian anti-hero protagonist character.
Is that what one wants these days? To have the complexity and sophistication, of a man/woman special built to channel it's full moral and intellectual value in the shortest screen time possible? That doesn't feel right to me.
I want to communicate with people who could unveil more and more of themselves, with every passing day, and still it won't be enough. People who change and adopt to the world, as it changes and morphs around them.
I'm being, always, told that I objectify people. Why shouldn't I? Or even: Should I attach properties a man doesn't have to that man himself, only in sheer hope and belief he does? Hopes, beliefs, expectations... I go for those who aspire not to be contained by short phrases and jokes. I look for those who cannot be contained at all.